“To the delirious eye, more lovely things of Paradise and Love-and all our own. Than young Hope in his sunniest hour hath known”-Edgar Allan Poe
Archive for October, 2006
October 31, 2006 at 10:22 am · Filed under perspective
I don’t believe in horoscopes. I read them though. Curiosity tends to get the best of me. I saw mine today. You know the way horoscopes seem to always apply to you yet they are, in fact, so general? Well, mine kinda freaked me out today. EVERYTHING about it seemed to apply. But then, the skeptic in me suddenly popped out in loud protest. You don’t believe in horoscopes, remember? Yep. I don’t. But let’s just ride on with this for weirdness’s sake. In my previous post, I mentioned something about waiting, simply waiting and then the freaking horoscope appears like some sort of serendipitous happening in a movie, and it said " don’t waste energy waiting…" and another more "expanded version" says something about daydreaming (refer to other blog for some background)…weirdness. Oh well, that was fun. But hey, really now, it could happen to anyone. Right?
I’d like to treat horoscope not as some bearer of hope or some exciting peek into the future but I’d like to see them as little gems of advice or tiny post-its reminding us of how things are or should be or maybe making us "understand" the order of things better, whatever. I dunno. Just my thoughts on horoscopes.
October 31, 2006 at 9:50 am · Filed under hmmm...
Sometimes, I berate myself for my insistence in doing things I consider quite useless, senseless, or simply unecessary. Like my really annoying habit of scratching my head when deep in thought, or my unhealthy inclination to gulf down large portions of food (i.e. chocoloates, chips, cookies, fraps, you name it!)in one swift motion. I reason with myself that I utterly just can’t help it— plain and simple. But then logic enters the picture and says, "Yes, you can"… and thus is blog entry, an inquiry of sorts on why we do the things we do even though we are quite capable of not doing them.
Why do I keep scratching my head, you ask? Hmmm…it’s a habit, an annoying mannerism. Self-explanatory, right? Ok, explanation? Maybe because when I think I have this is feeling that I have to be focused, to pay attention to my thoughts, so the easiest way to do that is to scratch my darn head. Because if I stop, my mind wanders like I start flipping through a magazine or my thoughts just dart from point A to Z. It’s like my scratching reminds me to focus..hahah…weird huh? But yeah, that’s why I do. It’s inherent that I do it! Even though my mom and friends keep reminding me to stop (did you know head scratching is contagious?). Point one explained (well sorta).
And eating? Who doesn’t love to eat right? Think comfort food.Yey!:) You should be able to relate to this!
Soooo…right now, I’m just waiting like crazy.Crazy. You know, just waiting. Waiting for a moment that I know won’t come any time today…or maybe tomorrow. I am clueless as to when that particular moment which I am waiting for will come. So why the hell am I wasting my time, waiting for something that’ll never happen? Well, because of that just-in-case gut feeling? Or maybe there’s a maybe? Or perhaps miracles do happen in the nick of time? Or then again, I’m starting to believe I’m crazy…
I think we do the things we do because they are, after all, rewarding and then some… But maybe even more because we believe that it’s essential for our well being (sanity). Right, who am I kidding? It’s also because we believe in something so much that no matter how darn hopeless, senseless, illogical, impractical, irrational, uncanny, and over-all stupid these things are, we cling to them. That maybe in my waiting, I’ll realize the value of getting a life, of self worth, that maybe if I waited LOOONG enough that moment will come and will be worth single every nanosecond of my wait.(Sigh, hopeless, ain’t I?).
Ultimately, I think we do the things we do because we would be incomplete without them. Or I’m just really really plain stubborn and even more because I wouldn’t be Marga without them. But I have to keep in mind that these things should not definitely define me but simply describe me.
So do the things you do. Don’t just let them take control of you. Ask why you do them. Ask why they’re worth it.
October 31, 2006 at 7:21 am · Filed under it's on top of my head
Never knew that in doing my laundry I could learn the art of being efficient and responsible. There’s always this special challenge for me to cram other activities in between the sorting and the drying. The machine takes around 30ish minutes to whirl and hum and do whatever washing machines do. So in that 30 something minutes, I try to busy myself with other activities such as blogging, perhaps, or tidying up my closet. And before I know it, the machine starts calling me to attend to it. The drying takes around the same time. So there I go again, wandering around the house in search of something to do. And then I realize how "adultish" I’m becoming. I mean, it’s not a bad thing, it’s just a weird transitional phase for me(think quarter life crisis hehehe). I’m not a teen anymore, no more ___teen years old. What if I didn’t want to grow old yet? Could I find Neverland?
But no one could really escape getting older, I guess. Be it in terms of age, wisdom, maturity, or even wrinkles. But sometimes, responsibilities keep piling up and it gets overwhelming. Even your frame of mind adjusts. I never did my laundry before I dormed, I never touched a microwave, even, I couldn’t care less about bills. I’m not saying that I was raised a brat or was spoiled. No sir, not at all. It’s just the way things were, you know, things you never bothered to pay attention to. I see myself as the really the hardcore independent type. Maybe it comes with my personality and me being the eldest. But right now, I’ve learned the different type independence, the I-have-to-fall-in-line-pay-the-bills kind, thus, I have to forgo a trip to the mall and go to the bank instead–by myself. I know, it’s like independence-responsibility. I go to the grocery by myself, pay for whatever junk I buy (well, of course with the allowance my parents give, so I’m not financially independent yet haha), walk to school, walk home, scourge for food, whatever.
So yeah, growing old. It just really occurred to me, the ambivalence that comes with getting older (at least for me). Like you think you’re there, you’re ready to take head-on the responsibilities that come with age and that you’re "mature" enough. But when one thing or two goes wrong or falls short of your expectations, you do a double take of some sort and re-think "Am I really ready for this?". Maybe that’s why we tend to regress (you know, bite our fingers, or curl up in this fetal position when life really sucks) and sometimes yearn to go to back to "before". But if you think of it in a really retrospect POV, if the problems we had when were kids seem trivial and petty right now then most probably, the troubles that nag us now will seem totally hilarious or almost seem like nothing a couple of years from now. Hence, ‘this too shall pass’. Ok, that’s an optimistic way of seeing things but reality nonetheless.
But really, in my opinion, I don’t think there’s really anything exclusively age-appropriate. So go out there and do whatever YOU think is right (note: what is right is not necessarily good) for YOU YOU YOU (and I’m half talking to myself). Society dictates a lot things that are labeled as proper but sometimes, we have this thing called INTEGRITY and DIGNITY that society sometimes fails to acknowledge due to its collectivist and possibility impersonal manner.
Now I hear the machine yelling my name. Responsibility calls.
October 28, 2006 at 1:33 pm · Filed under hmmm...
4 a.m. I feel really sleepy but I just had to "unload" this little thought of mine.
You know how we like to picture ourselves a couple of years from now? You have this perfect little image floating in your head. And whenever you think of it or remember it, it makes you smile this unconcious smile. Well, I’ve been like that these past few days and I occasionally find myself getting self-conscious (read: rudely interrupted) from people giving me this funny/odd look. Call it daydreaming. I call it REFUGE! Like everything is so messed up and this, this few inches inside my head, is my only escape. Think of it as being part of life through reflection but not actually participating in life per se. Like a third person perspective. It’s like temporary detachment from sanity.
My point, you ask? Absolutely NOTHING. Because I once again realized in NOTHINGNESS there is someTHING. A depository of memories perhaps? Or a mind full of thoughts, ideas, and dreams? It’s in that nothing that exists a sort of transition that helps us cope (I’m sounding sooo philosophical!). There’s a state that is in between consciousness and unconsciousness. And in that in between, there’s obtainable peace. There are perks of losing yourself in your thoughts. You should try it some time. You’ll realize that you don’t have to go too far to find even a bit of solitude.
October 26, 2006 at 9:12 am · Filed under this me--artistic mode
Smile. Smile, I tell myself. Breeaath. Breeaath. Smile. And pretend everything’s great. Pretend…
I have this skill, you know. Perhaps one of my most precious defense mechanisms: To make people believe that things are fine and dandy and oh-so-swell. Well, yeah, I’m the optimistic and perky type but even in my most down days I find myself still capable of being extra bubbly, putting up this facade that even I tend to be fooled and convinced. I smile a genuine smile, and laugh the way I always do—unguarded and loud. Like, ok, I have no troubles. I’m good at it. It’s not that I’m fake. It’s just that I don’t want to be a vacuum. The type that sort of sucks people into a black hole without a moment’s notice. I don’t want to be the person to bring rain clouds on a leash and "share" it with others. I’m not built that way. I was taught to be strong, to hold my head up high, to shed a tear, and say "tomorrow will be better". Yes, tomorrow WILL be better but how about today???
My closest friends know I’m no tough cookie or an emotionless freak. I break down. I cry. I lose hope. I fall. But maybe it’s not my part to play–the drama queen or superhero or all-around-"it"-girl-who-the-world-cries-for–maybe I’ve bagged the role of sidekick. You know, the one who’ll slap your tear-stained face and give you a wake-up call with a complimentary reality check. I’m like that. I’d rather be like that. I chose to be like that. I want to be the one who’ll make people feel better or even reconsider their situation. Often forgetting me. Because it’s better. I tend to forget my failures, my disappointments, my frustrations. Which is better. Way better.
Call me escapist. Call me coward. That’s the way I am. I think I’m brave that way. I think I’m stronger that way. But you know what? It feels good to know that there’s one less "sad"person for now.
Smile to self. Smile to self.My constant reminder. Maybe if I smiled enough, it’ll all just simply slide. I wish.
I’m good. I’m all right. I am. I really am. Because if I believed enough then maybe it’ll happen.
I know. I live in a world where everyone has a role with their great elaborate scripts. But maybe this time, even for a while, I’m throwing in my manuscripts and demanding a break from the director, whoever he may be.
I wipe the smile off my face and heave a sigh. Silence can be most comforting.
October 20, 2006 at 10:39 am · Filed under this me--artistic mode
Why’d he have to be so unbreakable?
Sometimes you think he’s slowly letting you in on his life, his secrets, his thoughts, and even the seemingly most "senseless" things he has to say. But predictable he is, he’ll shut you off. Not the tackless, rude, sudden "let’s-not-talk-about-it-anymore type of ‘brush off’" but the polite, almost subtle, and humorous kind which makes it hard for you to be outraged and frustrated.
There is such a thing as personal space anyway. I dare not probe and poke and prod or whatever. So I respect people’s privacy. BUT arrrgghhhh… why can’t I just probe and poke and prod or whatever?
He’s like a rock.
A ROCK.
They’re common but innately unique. They’re solid but you know at one point, they’ll break into pieces. They’re so there, so magnificent, so visible but sometimes unreachable.
A PARADOX. unfathomable.
He’s unbreakable.
And I’m just standing here. Wishing I were unbreakable too. Wishing most selfishly he’ll break down in the most human, most real, most unarming way possible. He’s human.
But perhaps, I’m not the one to make him realize that he can’t live like the world’s going to hurt him or break him into pieces. That’s his own lesson to learn. Where has he been anyway? The world’s out to get everyone. I want to be the one who’ll make him realize that yes, it’s a big bad world, but trying not to be a part of it isn’t helping. And maybe if he bled a little he’d realize that hurt and pain is part of who are, like the blood that runs through our veins. Goodness! Not making any sense am I?
But there. Mr. Unbreakable, I’m hoping that maybe someday if I’m not too tired of waiting, you’ll get back to me sans those walls of yours.
October 20, 2006 at 9:34 am · Filed under hmmm...
Sem break.
Ok, it’s finally here. I was SUPPOSED to go to a party I’ve been looking forward to but MORE schoolwork had to come skipping my way and I had no other choice but to oblige. Great. ( insert profanity here)
Ahhhh, now that I got that out my beat up system, time for de-stressing.
Every now and then I always get this hesitant bittersweet like feeling when I’m writing down a blog entry. It’s like I’m sort of baring my soul but keeping it all pent up. Like I’m setting my thoughts free only to box them in and compartmentalize them. I dunno. Just a thought. It’s weird when people read about your life but don’t know who you are. But I think that’s where the beauty of it lies, that often the gift of anonymity removes all sorts of biases and partialities (is there such a word?) that enables the reader to see you (or in this case, me) in different perspectives. And I utterly respect the wealth of views, thoughts, comments, opinions that I get. It can be such an eye opener.
So there.
I’m starting off my sembreak with this blog entry.
Have a list of things to do and maybe writing it down here would help me to accomplish it all.
First off, LOSE weight! I’ve been stuffing myself ever since hell month began! Almost every conceivable form of food, I’ve gobbled down!
And next, FIX my life. Everything about it. Because it sucks to be me right now.Trust me. It does.
And last, HIM. I have to know where this is all going. If I’m willing to let down my pride AGAIN. Or if he’s willing let down HIS. My friend told me he’s completely clueless, as in no idea I like him. And I insist that he knows. MY GOODNESS he should KNOW after every little stupid thing I did just so that he would notice me. Such a high school girl crush thing. EMBARASSING, I know. But don’t we all do stupid things so that that someone would look our way? (Uh-oh, or is it just me?)
(Sigh) I know, I’m back to the same thing, welcome back to square ONE. Why does "love" seem to determine a whole lot of things? Why why why???
In a few minutes I’ll be off to Batangas. Wuhoo!!! Hopefully there, some things will literally come to light.Hehe
October 18, 2006 at 10:07 am · Filed under hmmm...
Listening to: How to Save a Life- The Fray
I’m taking a "break" from studying Abnormal psychology. Can’t seem to concentrate..what’s new? Probably had ADHD as a kid, who knows.
So yeah, everything’s been so crazy, I mean I had a gazillion thoughts that I intended to write down but they’re what they are and would stay that way– just thoughts, something that’ll be mine mine mine. Mine to ponder on, mine to analyze, mine to keep, mine to drive me to the brink of insanity.Hahaha
But throughout all this confusion of hmmms and ahhhhsss I realized that Today is oh-so-finite. Yeah, I’m telling you something that’s a fact and most probably know but it suddenly became so real for me these past few days…We tend to make a fuss over those little screw-ups we WILL eventually forget. Or trouble over things that, perhaps tomorrow, won’t really matter. I sometimes forget to see the bigger more complicated picture. I sometimes fail to realize that dissecting every minute detail of a conversation would even lead to more confusion, that I tend to complicate my own life, forgetting that there a greater things than crushes and clothes and food. Well, ok they matter haha..BUT there are greater things.You know what I mean.
And maybe right now, I may be making such a big deal about the whys and what ifs that I forget to enjoy those moments that I would otherwise deem as ordinary. Those moments where conversation is what matters, where conversation is what makes you smile and think before you got bed at night. Or time spent without someone you consider meaningful, even those quiet moments.
Am I making any sense???
Oh well, I just had to get that out my system.
It’s wonderful to sometimes take things as they are. Unbranded, untarnished, untainted, whole.
October 14, 2006 at 12:34 pm · Filed under perspective
"To be desirable is to be unobtainable."
-What do YOU think?
This Filipino culture says: "so true" and nods its head in absolute utter agreement.
But ‘Pop culture’, does it say otherwise?
October 14, 2006 at 10:24 am · Filed under Music
My last song syndrome (LSS) lyrics:
Could this be out of line?
To say you’re the only one breaking me down like this
You’re the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously
Got this song "So Contagiously" from my buddy Cheann. When she sent me this song she knew exactly my predicament! Galeeennng!
I thought it relevant though. There are people that you invest so much on that sometimes it’s so hard to accept when things don’t work out. And maybe it could really be out of line. Too much. You tell me.I dunno. People get hurt because of this. We give hoping a shot. We give that person a shot to be, well, part of who we are. But but but… there’s a catch. He or she never really asked for anything, never asked you to hope or to love or to hold on. That’s where the beauty (or maybe insanity) of it all lies, that you finally learn to be a little bit more unselfish. Ah, if all seems like some terrible mess, ‘loving’ someone with the possibility of hurting, is it is BUT (again) no matter how messed up it becomes picking up the pieces is where you realize, "shit, kaya ko pala" and that in itself is one of the most humbling experiences ever. The kind of high that you can’t experience by being way up there at the beginning. You have to work your way up and the view from top, I promise, will be breathtaking.
"Life is not about the amount of breaths you take,
but the moments that take your breath away."
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