“To the delirious eye, more lovely things of Paradise and Love-and all our own. Than young Hope in his sunniest hour hath known”-Edgar Allan Poe
Archive for November, 2006
November 20, 2006 at 11:35 am · Filed under hmmm...
Finally, the last of the four "Big Machine" lines I mentioned. I know, it’s been a while since I last updated my blog. I’ve been so loaded with things to do. But now, I think there’s no better time to write.
Indecision. Something that is so everyday. From the moment we wake up to the time we dream off, we are faced with the possibility of this and that, here and there. We are torn especially if we perceive our choices as of equal value.
And maybe, right now, I’m not THAT torn anymore. Maybe I’ve made some sort of safe compromise with myself–for now. Choosing is no easy feat. We are prompted to choose for many reasons. We may be in a caught-up-in-the-moment situation where a decision needs to made. Or maybe there’s a pressing matter that demands immediate action. Or maybe we simply make a decision because we just have to. It’s not as easy as choosing between pink or yellow. What I decide on today inevitably determines tomorrow. But if things dont turn out the way I idealized it be, I won’t feel shortchanged at all because throughout, surely there will have been lessons to be re-learned and un-learned.
But I think it’s fun or even maybe more exciting that there’s a bit of existensialism in it. That you get to determine what happens next and you sort of have control over your life.
I’m torn in pieces.
There’s always what the economists call opportunity cost. There’ll always be something that will be lost, the chance forgone. In choosing we have to let go of something because selfishness is choice’s greatest enemy yet most crucial determinant. Enemy because it’s a fact that we can’t have it all if we have to choose. If it were easy then there would be no choice to begin with. A determinant because of our selfish motives (which we are often unaware of) we choose one that would benefit us the most. Like a someone once said, ask the economist. Maybe there is a some truth to that, after all.
I’m gathering my thoughts and picking them up, bracing myself for what could happen. Decisions, decisions, decision. Can’t live without them.
I’m torn in pieces. But aren’t we all?
November 16, 2006 at 11:14 am · Filed under hmmm...
Ah, another entry on love and again, the third part of my ‘Big Machine Blog Series’ hehe. Remember the lines that go: And I’m aware…I’m in love but you don’t care? Yep, you guessed it, my binding theme for this entry.
Honestly, I was quite hesitant to write about this because I feel quite strongly about the said lines. I didn’t want to trash it or do it such vile injustice. But I also thought a lot of people would more or less relate to this topic because I guess at some point they had once "loved" a person who seemed to be utterly clueless and oblivious to the his or her affection. The one-sided phenomenon.
When you think you’ve fallen for someone, the only thing that seems to matter is for that person to approximately reciprocate the way you feel for him or her. You make that person like you. But sometimes that making-him-like-me process can be so excruciating! It’s always a load of mind games and the over-analysis of things. Especially if you’re like me who tends to shred everything into bits, every minute detail, nothing is spared. I view this so-called process as a challenge but sometimes, challenges aren’t so fun anymore when the goal is too out of sight and out of reach. It’s like quicksand. The more you struggle, the more you sink. It’s standing on shaky ground, or in this case, no ground at all. No one’s going to catch you. Maybe it’s only for the stalwart-hearted and the strong-willed soul.
But in end, who enjoys pursuing someone who doesn’t seem to give a damn? Who enjoys being hurt all too often? We reach a point where self-love enters the picture. We could choose to continue but we know we shouldn’t. Maybe it’s time to realize that not everything goes the way we it to regardless of how persistent we are.
I’m in love but you don’t care. Maybe he does care. But not enough. Maybe he does find you wonderful and fun and nice. But not enough. And perhaps, he does like you. But not enough. It’s not enough for him to let down his guard, to take a step closer. And knowing with all that was said, that nothing is enough, you should find in that enough reason to slowly let go. That you do deserve someone better. With love along with all its stupidity and beauty, there comes a point where you realize you don’t want to listen to sad love songs, or watch drippy movies, or read schmaltzy stories, you want the real thing not a mere reflection of it. So there, it’s time to stop. Stop not because you’re hurting, not because you’re sad, not because you’re scared.BUT because YOU LOVE. More.
I’m in love but you don’t care.
November 11, 2006 at 8:56 am · Filed under hmmm...
As seen in my previous blog, I mentioned the song by the Goo Goo Dolls. A line went: Nothing’s real and nothing lasts. That’s what I wanted to comment on in the entry.
Ok, a lot of people often ask what is real. Real may be quite relative. For me, real is something that I can analyze, I can think of. Something that may not necessarily materialize. It all happens in the head. Often times, what is real is a matter of perception and belief. I may believe in God and find Him to be real while others may reject the idea of His existence. Perhaps there is no universal real, just a temporary, fleeting real. I must agree with the adage that the only thing constant in this world is change. Nothing does last. Even, possibly, the memories we cherish. They may easily fade or change according to us. Of course, we’d like to remember the most pleasant of experiences but sometimes, inevitably, we recall the more unpleasant ones. But we cope, our mind makes use of such defense mechanisms. I know, I’m sounding too technical or philosophical but I question a lot times what is real. Are emotions real? Are the material things around me real?
Now that I’ve sort of got those philosophical-like thoughts out of my beat up system, I’d like to think of what’s real and what lasts in more practical level.
Have you ever been in love? Well many would nod or answer with a yes. But is love really real? I mean, you say you loved your ex, you say you loved. LOVED. But isn’t the infinite a quality of love. True love never ends they say. But then why do we use LOVED? In past tense. Why not love now? I find such contradiction and hollowness in that. Would someone please explain?
And yes. Nothing does last. Even the way we view ourselves, our values are more often than not put to test, subject to change. People die, we "fall out of love", money dwindles, food spoils, what, tell me does last? Maybe feelings do…but I’m inclined to doubt. I may be such a pessimist but I’ve seen things fade away right before me. I’ve experience maybe falling for someone yet wanting it to go away not because I don’t like that person anymore but because I know this, this hope, this optimism will only take me so far. It’ll only hurt me. I know, based on experience, that hanging on a thread of hope, wishing that that someone would fall for you is all just phase. This, too, shall pass. One day you’ll realize that life has passed you by. Mich told me that maybe our questions aren’t meant to be answered now. Maybe in the future, we’ll find them. Maybe that’s why we shouldn’t wait. It’s always forward we go.
Moral of it all? Nothing lasts but maybe while it’s there, while in the moment, make it worth every second. We should learn to cherish what we have. Because what we grasp so tighly in our hands today may be open palms tomorrow.
November 10, 2006 at 11:12 am · Filed under hmmm...
For those of you who are familiar with Big Machine, a song by Goo Goo Dolls, you’ll most probably have a vague idea of what I’m about to write. As parts of the the song go: "Now your world is way too fast, nothing’s real and nothing lasts, and I’m aware, I’m love but you don’t care…I’m torn in pieces…" I think these lines most aptly describe my state right now.
Now your world is way too fast.
Last Monday, November 6, I got my grades. And whew! I’m graduating on time! The fear of not graduating this coming March was life changing. I mean, it’s not bad per se it’s just that a lot of people especially my parents have this fixed set of expectations. It’s hard when you let them down. A great sigh of relief. The happenings from Monday until now, it’s all a blur. This week was sooo fast and busy. And it’s in a good way, actually.
Sometimes, you just want to world to spin spin spin. Wanting it to move at the speed of light because of the anticipation of what you’ll discover when it suddenly stops. We all want to know what’ll happen later, tomorrow, years from now. We’re always rushing things because maybe we’re in a hurry to get somewhere but when we get there, we realize it isn’t as great as we thought, after all. And maybe we regret or wish at that point that we should’ve taken things a step a time. We should’ve appreciated getting there, instead. In that in between, from point A to point Z, we miss out on a lot of things and those seemingly insignificant instances would’ve probably been more meaningful if we looked closer or slowed down. The stuff regrets are made of.
Way too fast isn’t bad. It’s good when you’re all caught up in the moment. But when it stops spinning, you tend to get dizzy. Like this week. It was fast. But it was fun because I was able to do a lot things. As in busy. But come Friday, bam! I found myself with nothing to do and as a result, I’m here thinking too much. Thinking of how I should start making decisions and sticking to them. Dizzying.
And maybe, what I’m trying to say is that life is fun when it’s fast-paced but there are serious setbacks too. We overlook and forget. Great moments do pass us by and at a blink of an eye everything can change.
