The Non-Existent Tomorrow
If Tomorrow decided it needed a break…
Perhaps to rest, to go on some Carribean cruise, or to forever go into hiding…
Then, I guess, simply put, there would be no Tomorrow.
For whatever reason, for whatever purpose, Tomorrow just isn’t happening.
With that, I guess with this one last day I’d try to make things right or do the things I would’ve wanted to do…
Similar, perhaps, to what you would do.
I’d say all my sorries to everyone I’ve never meant to hurt (and to those I’ve meant to hurt…goodluck! haha [kidding])
I’d say a good good-bye. A good good-bye that not being the teary-eyed, melodramatic, slow motion farewell. It’s the kind of good-bye that leaves that person light-hearted and serene. With the confidence that good-byes aren’t always words of Finality.
I’d say ‘I love you’ to those I truly love. With the “I” in ‘I love you’ because I’ve learned how one letter could bring so much emotion, so much depth, meaning, and genuineness to three words so often said.
I’d dance in the rain (I hope to the heavens it does grant me beautiful rain on the last day!)
I’d sing my lungs out in the shower (as if I don’t already do that! haha)
I’d eat all the snickers, kinder buenos, cookies ‘n’ cream ice cream, yogurt and oreos, drink all the raspberry mocha coffee, vietnamese iced coffee, and Som’s milk tea to my heart’s content… Without worrying about the tummyache the next day!
I’d listen on and on to So Close and The Killers’ Indie Rock’n'Roll, Human, and Mr. Brightside and sing to The Strokes.
I’d watch Sleepless in Seattle, 13 Going 30, When Harry Met Sally, and all the schmaltzy movies in one spin!
And maybe…
I’d tell him.
Perhaps? Maybe? Possibly?
{Funny, how at the point that you recognize your mortality, you still have some doubts when it comes to matters of the soul or the heart or whatever part of you that feels.}
Because I think, it’s a matter of how you’ll be remembered. How your image would be seared into that person’s memory. Would it be a wacky sheepish grin, a serious, unsure look, or a deadpan, poker-faced stare?
What background music would be playing? The slow sad song? The upbeat dance-to-me tunes?
But then, as much as it matters, I again think, the want to say what I feel outweighs the ambition of creating a great lasting impression.
So I’d probably say it and tell him out loud…{almost in a whisper}
He’s like tiny bits and pieces of memory, scattered in a span of nanoseconds.
So miniscule that I sometimes wonder if he’s real.
I am still and will most probably still be incapable of dissecting emotion and with that fact he has to live with.
I’d tell him I still nonetheless get butterflies in my stomach and my palms get all clammy.
…and I even stumble all over myself like some blathering buffoon.
When I mutter it’s ok…I mean it’s really ok.
And perhaps for a tiny fleeting moment, I’d believe that you could actually fall for someone in the most infinite, absolute, and frighteningly final way.
And you’ll know even for just that tiny fleeting moment that it was real.
If Tomorrow is a no-show, I’d go that extra mile and stand in front of him and throw-up all my word-vomit and bleed verbal hemophilia until I have not even a semblance of pride left.
Then I’d look at him and leave.
Because at that point I’ve got nothing left to give.
and I know I’ve done right.
Maybe getting all the love you’ve wanted and yearned for isn’t as thrilling and wonderful and exhilarating as giving love. You love not because of but in spite of.
It’s a not a great as having TRULY loved, no questions asked, because it just is.
***
With a few minutes remaining…
I’d ride a bike to nowhere and feel the wind and the motion and uncertainty of it all. And embrace whatever’s to come unconditionally.
And then I could say I lived life with love and happiness and no regrets.
But…
Tomorrow WILL come.
And I live life still in search and in constant pursuit of that love, and happiness, and that point of no regrets.
Each day, a chance to find and feel love.
Each day, a chance to make mistakes and learn.
Each day, a chance to become that someone you’ve always wanted to become.
Each day, a chance to be thankful to God and to people you love.
Each day, a new day. A new start.
Happy New Year!
